Tonight is April 9th, 2018. For most people, this is just another Sunday night. But for fans of professional wrestling, this is Wrestlemania weekend. It’s as close as we get to a holy weekend. No matter what flavor of wrestling and/or sports entertainment one prefers, this is the best weekend for it. Imagine the Super Bowl and San Diego Comic Con got together and invited Game of Thrones over for a 3-way. That’s what it’s like for wrestling fans.
Full disclosure, I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. It is my favorite form of live theater, and one of my favorite forms of storytelling. I have watched wrestling since I was a little kid, I have written many stories about wrestling in various forums and locations, and I’ve been to several shows in my life. Hell, I’ve even wrestled a couple matches and booked a few matches for a local backyard organization. I have a unique appreciation for the physicality, mentality, and discipline needed to perform in the squared circle.
Yes, I called it live theater. Because that’s what professional wrestling is; it’s closer to ballet than boxing, figure skating than cage fighting. Miss Saigon than Muay Thai. So, calling it fake, aside from being an insult to the men and women who risk their bodies and lives doing this day in and out, completely misses the point of professional wrestling and sports entertainment. Here’s a video from Max Landis that helps illustrate the point.
Wrestling runs the gambit from physical battles between two sets of skilled performers to some of the craziest, funniest, and weirdest storytelling available. Like this match between a Demi-god and a Reincarnated agent of the Seven Deities. Seriously, there’s a section where one of them decides whether to run the other over with a wheel char (“Chair of Wheels”) or a riding mower (“Mower of Lawns”). That wasn’t even the weirdest part of the match.
So, what does this wrestling have to do with politics? Let’s start with WWE Hall of Fame Inductee Donald Trump. Yes, that’s right. Not only does the WWE have it’s own Hall of Fame, but Donald Trump is an inductee into their Celebrity Wing. He’s worked with WWE’s principal owners Vince and Linda McMahon for more than 30 years, hosting multiple Wrestlemania’s at Trump properties, and has been involved in multiple storylines over the years. Linda McMahon was named by Trump to run the Small Business Administration.
But while I could probably go into the various rumors of Trump’s ties to the McMahon’s, I want to have some fun instead. I’m going to book Trump’s rise to the Presidency as if it were a wrestling story., and how Donald J. Trump is the Ultimate Heel, or bad guy.
Before I begin, I’ll be using a lot wrestling-specific terms. Please see the Terms and Definitions section.
HOW DID WE GET HERE?
Back in 2008, a young upstart named Barack Obama defeated HRC in a 2 out of 3 falls match for the Democratic Championship. The Barack would go on to beat “The Old Warhorse” John McCain in a Title vs. Title match to win the American Presidential Championship.
The Barack creates a stable consisting of himself, HRC, “The OG AG” Eric Holder, and Uncle Joe Biden. They call themselves “The 44th”. Together, they fight various groups led by “The Turtle” Mitch McConnell, The Brothers Koch, and Wall Street, one of the most formidable stables in history. But the ugliest feud is with AQ, and their leader Osama bin Laden. Osama, also called UBL, fought against The Barack in a Loser Leaves Town match. The Barack defeats UBL with a new finisher, Seal Team Six.
While The 44th feuds with AQ, a new heel stable comes around called The Birthers. They are a group of racist wrestlers, most of them old and angry that The Barack, the first black American Presidential Champion, is more successful than they are, so they continuously attack the legitimacy of his title run. One of the members of The Birthers is “The Billion Dollar Man” Donald Trump, a charismatic but unathletic performer who got over with his promos against The Barack. The only time they met directly in the ring, The Barack, wiped the floor with him in a warm-up match before his fight against UBL.
After an 8 year reign, it was time for The Barack to step aside as American Presidential Champion. The next champion would be decided after two tournaments are held for Democratic and Republican Championships. The winners of those tournaments would face off against each other in a Title vs. Title match.
The Democratic Championship should have been easy for Uncle Joe, but due to a family disaster, he had to withdraw from the championship match against HRC. Instead, HRC fought against the Indie Darling “Socialist” Bernie Sanders. Their feud lasted for months, and HRC carried him to a good match, but in the championship post-match promo, Sanders no-sold HRC, claiming that the ref was on the take and the match was rigged against him.
The Republican Championship battle was a clusterfuck. Everyone and their mother wanted a shot at the Republican strap. Since there were so many people fighting, there were a series of 3 battle royals, and the winners of those battle royals would face each other in a ladder match for the title.
By this time “The Billion Dollar Man” had formed a new stable called Trump Org with the old members of The Birthers, his “family”, and some new blood like “Mad Dog” Roger Stone, General Mike Flynn, “The Ukrainian Fixers” Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, “The Foreign Policy Team” of Dr. Carter Page, Georgie P, and “Wham Bam” Sam Clovis. Along with Gory Corey and Hope in Trump’s corner calling the shots, Trump won one of the battle royals. The other two were won by “The Cruz Missile” Ted Cruz and Marco.
The three winners faced off in a Ladder Match. While Cruz and Marco beat the ever loving hell out of each other, Trump stepped back and let Trump Org do all of his dirty work. Even by cheating, he couldn’t win outright. Trump was so badly out of shape that all he had to do was climb a ladder, and he had to have his crew carry him up the ladder. His VP, Reverend Pence, held the ladder for him.
After winning the Republican Championship, Trump attacked HRC on the mic something fierce, and broke every rule to get an advantage. This included getting outside help from The Brothers Koch, Old Man Rupert, Hobo Steve, and some unknown assailants.
In the buildup to their match, a secret tag team called The Bears, Cozy and Fancy, attacked HRC and her team. Mad Dog said he was working with The Bears and their manager, G2.
With all of that interference, and rumors of the ref being bribed, Trump beat HRC in a very ugly match with some of the worst ring work and no-selling in any match in a long time.
But something was off with that. In the promo work before the match, Trump bragged about how easy it was to pay off a referee, and because of that if he didn’t win, it was proof that HRC paid off the ref. He also bragged about how much we wanted to work with a rival wrestling federation, the Russian Wrestling Federation. That wouldn’t normally be a problem, but the rules for the American Presidential Championship ship specify that only members of the USA Wrestling Organization can take part in any way, shape, or form in the title match.
After Trump won the title, he started working with a new stable, FRWL, From Russia With Love. FRWL worked with Trump Org on a lot of matches, and went out of their way to interfere on their behalf.
Things went too far when Trump defeated Comey The Giant in a match and then fired Comey for joining Trump Org. After that, and Sally Yates losing a Loser Leaves Town match to Mike Flynn’s cheating, a new stable was formed by DAG, the Justice League. And leading that was none other than Comey’s old Mentor, Bobby Three Sticks.
Bobby Three Sticks is a former FBI Champion, winner of the Super Justice Cup, and a specialist when it comes to fighting the corrupt.
Problem is, when he was last wrestling, he was the biggest heel at the time. What changed?
Trump changed things. By Trump drawing so much heat as a heel, anyone facing against him would get over as a face. Hell, even Trump Org’s own Keebler Nazi got face cheers the couple times he spoke out against Trump. But with a talent as skilled as Bobby Three Sticks, the crowd stared looking forward to each and every match, as the details come out about how much FRWL worked with Trump Org to attack HRC and steal the Presidential Championship.
Now, “The Billion Dollar Man” Donald Trump is looking to face Bobby Three Sticks in a cage match. Inside of a cage match, Trump Org can’t help their boss. It will be just Trump and Bobby. One on One.
TERMS AND DEFINITIONS
Kayfabe: the contained reality in which wrestling exists and where it’s real. At least, where it takes itself seriously.
Match: A contest between two or more parties, with or without various stipulations, such as a change of venue, use of weapons, or number of pinfalls. A standard match has one fall, or round, but a common stipulation is to have a best 2 out of 3 falls match.
Heel: Bad guy.
Face: Good guy, short for Babyface.
Feud: A long-term storyline between two parties, typically resulting in a blow-off match.
Blow-Off Match: The culmination of a feud, often times in a match with high stakes, such as a title on the line or a stipulation.
Gimmick: Aspect of a character’s personality that makes them stand apart from other competitors.
Battle Royal: A match where multiple individual participants compete where people are eliminated by being thrown out of the ring, over the top rope and land on the floor. The last one left in the ring wins.
Tag Team: Two wrestlers fighting as a team, where one person is a legal competitor and the other stands on the side of the ring. The legal person changes when the people touch, or “tag” each other to change who is in the ring.
Stable: A group of wrestlers working together for a common goal.
Championship: A prop used to determine the best wrestler in a certain class. Almost always in the shape of a thick leather belt with decorative plates and jewels. Also known as a Title, Belt, or Strap.
Booking: The writing or scripting of a match or angle.
Spot: A series or sequence of moves or actions in a match.
Going Over: Winning a match.
Getting Over: Becoming popular with the crowd.
Drawing Heat: Having the crowd hate you.
Doing the job: Losing a match. Also known as Doing the Honors.
Referee: In Kayfabe, person who enforces the rules during a match. Outside of Kayfabe, they serve as a director, coordinating the actions of the wrestlers, and moving the story forward from one sequence to the next.
Disqualification: Breaking the rules by either ignoring the referee’s instructions or a blatant violation of rules and norms.
Working Stiff: Hitting an opponent with more strength. Not pulling a punch as much.
Lucha Libre: The Mexican style of Professional Wrestling, symbolized by the use of ceremonial masks to hide one’s identity and high-flying aerial maneuvers.
Strong Style: The Japanese style of wrestling symbolized by a combination of martial arts moves, working stiff, and aerial attacks.
Foreign Objects: External items, such as chairs, tables, fire extinguishers, or any other props. Unless specified, the use of such objects is prohibited.
Ladder Match: A type of wrestling contest in which the contestants compete for an item of importance, such as a title, a monetary reward, or a promise for a future opportunity. The only way to reach this item is to climb a ladder. During this kind of match, foreign objects are legal.
Sell: The act of making a move or attack look more devastating than it actually is.
No Sell: Refusing to make a move look effective.
Pin: Holding an opponent’s shoulders flat on the mat. Also known as a pinfall.
Cage Match: A match contested inside of a cage where victory conditions include pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage before the opponent.
Loser Leaves Town: A match stipulation in which the loser of the match has to leave the wrestling organization. This was common during the older days of wrestling when wrestlers would travel across regional territories, or if it was necessary to write a character out due to contract reasons.
Title versus Title: A match stipulation in which two champions fight against each other, with both parties putting their titles on the line. Winner takes both titles.
Submission: Making one’s opponent give up. Also known as Tapping Out, the motion of smacking something repeatedly. This is how a submission is communicated if the recipient of the move is unable to tell the referee that they quit.
Finisher: A move typically used by a wrestler to end a match.
Entrance Music: The music that plays to accompany a wrestler to the ring. This sometimes includes pyrotechnics.
Promo: Promotional speech. Also called Mic Work, this is a wrestler talking about their opponent, their current angle, or an upcoming match.
Indie Darling: A fan favorite wrestler from the independent circuit.
Botch: A mistake.