In the United States, this week is Thanksgiving. It’s a time to stand back and give thanks for what one has. This is immediately followed by Black Friday, a day where people covet what their neighbor has, and they go out to buy unwanted things for people they don’t like with money they don’t have.
Part of Thanksgiving Week is the Traditional Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation. This includes the Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. It’s a ceremony where the President selects a turkey to be spared from butchers block.
It’s a very lighthearted affair, and is literally the easiest thing that a President does all year. Only a complete and total idiot with no sense of empathy or social mores could fuck this up.
That being said, I’m wondering how will Donald Trump fuck this up?
Now, I don’t hope that he embarrasses himself, he does that enough every day. I just want to list as many ways that I think Trump can screw this up. Of course, I will miss what actually happens because, even with as vivid as my imagination is, I’ll miss what actually happens.
There is no order to this list, just how it comes to mind.
HOW DONALD TRUMP WILL FUCK UP THE TURKEY PARDON
- He cancels the event because he’s not feeling good.
- He confuses Turkey the bird with Turkey the country.
- He pardons a series of turkeys, that are actually his family, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and Mike Flynn dressed in turkey costumes.
- He screws up that, and his family eats Paul Manafort for dinner.
- He names a turkey Hilary, then is caught on a hot mic saying “I’m gonna eat that bitch.”
- He makes some disparaging and borderline racist comments about Native Americans.
- The comments aren’t even remotely borderline.
- He makes some racist comments about Senator Elizabeth Warren.
- He bitches about Indian Casinos.
- He confuses Indians with Native Americans. This involves jokes about casinos and tech support.
- He answers questions from reporters about Al Franken, Russia, or Nazis.
- He answers those questions honestly.
- He tries to pardon his co-conspirators.
- He uses the Turkey Pardon to initiate his own version of the Saturday Night Massacre in an attempt to fire Robert Mueller.
- Someone gets arrested at the ceremony.
- Trump makes a bunch of “gobble, gobble” noises.
- He says something about eating reporters or children.
- He casually confirms some of the worst rumors from the Steele Dossier.
- Bonus points if it’s the pee tape.
- Double bonus points if he admits that the girls in the tape were underage.
- Triple bonus points if he then follows that up with defending Roy Moore and/or condemning Al Franken.
- Quadruple points if he says “so what”.
- He casually makes reference to cannibalism.
- He says that Turkey is his third favorite food behind human flesh and McDonalds.
- Human flesh is second to a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
- He goes on a rant about Mexicans, saying that tacos don’t belong in a Thanksgiving feast.
And the absolute worst thing to happen…
- Trump doesn’t screw this up, and the media trips over themselves congratulating him on a job well done and saying he’s finally acting presidential.